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Last year I put up a post asking the men within our Linkedin and Instagram communities what they wanted to know more about. Themes of career progression, retirement, performance mindset, and changing direction all turned up., but the one area that dominated my PM’s was around loss of confidence.
As a female, I can give you countless examples of female friends, family and colleagues who have shared stories of feeling a loss or lack of confidence - in the workspace due to a passive agressive manger, after they've had children, or when they’ve hit the menopause. But this sharing of vulnerability is not something we typically associate with men.
Admitting that confidence is low, for most of you, might feel like a sign of weakness. Such a confession doesn't live up to that age old convention of men being strong, capable, and having their sh*t together. But here’s the thing - so many of you aren't feeling confident right now, so we need to look at it.
COVID AND CONFIDENCE
We first noticed an uptake in clients approaching us with confidence issues in the midst and aftermath of the pandemic. See if any of this resonates with you.
Pre-Covid, our high achieving midlife demographic went about life working hard and holding down high-pressured jobs. They had responsibility for family or loved ones, active social lives, and nice holidays with all-inclusive long island iced teas. And despite the inevitable peaks and troughs of life, most felt fundamentally ‘ok’. They had routine, familiarity and a sense of control and momentum.
Cue the pandemic, worldwide devastation, a crippled NHS, and a scurry for litres of long-life milk we have yet to use. Suddenly the norm, the stable, and the familiar, turned into the unknown. We fumbled our way around to create some sort of routine, whilst simultaneously there was no certainty in what would happen and a dwindling trust in anything the Government told us. We were forced to stop, stay still, and live on top of those we shared homes with (if we were lucky enough to do that), and survive.
This went one of two ways: some of you will have thrived. Perhaps you finally had - and made - the time to exercise, or you extended your cooking repertoire by experimenting with new recipes. Maybe you set personal challenges and reaped huge rewards because you actually had the time to succeed. Perhaps you were able to be more present with your children, this new way of working being a catalyst for you building previously neglected relationships. Perhaps in slowing down you felt free, better, calm.
For others though, this abyss was terrifying. Along with the horrific realisation that you - and those you loved - were at risk, your version of normal was likely turned on it’s head and suddenly filled with inconsistency, daily changes, and hourly stressors through the news. The issue for a lot of men is they couldn't fix or control that. Flight or fight mode was revved up and remained turned on for the duration.
The impact of this extraordinary moment in time has been profound for a lot of men, so that in 2025, it’s still being brought into the coaching space as the catalyst for low confidence in many. Why? During the pandemic, you were forced to sit with your feelings. The lack of distraction, structure and control had a knock on effect on identity, feeling of worth, of ability, of purpose. For the men we’ve worked with, this combination of complex emotions led to fear. They were unable to cling onto the familiarity of their masculine role to go out to work and provide. Without that, they were left with themselves.
If that’s not something you’d previously spent much time thinking about, it’s no wonder many of you felt stuck, or perhaps a bit lost.
Low confidence
Of course low confidence is not just symptomatic of the circumstances the pandemic threw us. Perhaps your relationship has broken down, you’ve been made redundant, or there’s a tricky partner at work that makes you feel awful. Maybe you’re recovering from illness, or you’ve felt low in confidence since childhood, and it’s been a barrier to you getting to where you want to be in both career and personal life.
The issue is, once you start to lose confidence, or have the built-in belief that you’re not a confident person, it can become a vicious cycle (aka negative thought pattern) that can be hard to work your way back from.
Here’s what the brain does with this sort of thing. Say you believe you're not doing well enough and anything you say is of no value in meetings. You lack confidence in your ability, perhaps your credibility, or ideas. That's how you feel. Your brain then takes that feeling and that belief and, via the RAS (Reticular Activating System), actively seeks evidence to back up it up. What this leads to is skewed perspective where - instead of rationalising and seeing the things you do well - your brain projects a distorted and negative lens searching for inadequacies and moments you fail. You’ll be seeing what you lack and what you are not, rather than what you are.
If we want to do something about our confidence, then this is the bit we need to delve into.
WHAT TO DO
First things first, confidence is not something you are born with or without. It’s a muscle that we can build and grow and enhance, and this is a great starting point. Give the below exercises a go and see if they help.
VISUALISATION
I’ll be honest, when I first learnt about visualisation, I was skeptical. It felt a bit fluffy and out there. But how wrong I was. Visualisation gives you the power to be in control of your ‘state’ so that even if you feel anxious, unprepared, or in over your head, the simple practice of imagining how you want to feel can shift you from low confidence to feeling that you can do something. If you feel like giving that a go, practice this:
What does a confident you look and feel like?
Close your eyes and imagine that version of yourself, how you’re standing, speaking and holding yourself. What you’re wearing and where you are. Reflect on what your strengths are in that moment and how that security in yourself feels.
Try to visualise that version of yourself each day, perhaps on your commute, or when you’re in the shower, or when you’re having your lunch.
Next time you feel low in confidence, bring that version of yourself to mind. Perhaps you have a big presentation coming up, you’re going on a first date, or you’re about to write an article. Visualise that confident you, and see the impact it has.
EVIDENCE
If our brains are seeking evidence to back up the fact we lack confidence then we need to interrupt that with new evidence that says the contrary. Luckily for you, there’s plenty of evidence in you, you just need to find it.
Draw a horizontal line on a sheet of paper that represents your career timeline. At one end put the date of your first job, at the other, put todays date.
Now think through the various roles you’ve had through that timeline and plot them in.
Take 5 minutes and consider 3-4 moments within your career where you’ve felt confident and / or fulfilled. Highlight these moments on your timeline.
Now we’re going to work through each of the highlights you’ve chosen. Work through each moment one at a time, close your eyes and visualise what you were doing, who was there, how you were feeling. Then answer the following:
What are your strengths in that moment?
What are you proud of?
What value do you add?
How do others perceive you in this moment?
What feels good?
Once you’ve worked through each career highlight, look at what you’ve written. Step back and reflect on the strengths you have, the value you add, the positive way people see you.
MINDSET
Try this for 7 days. At the end of each day, perhaps when you're in your bed before you go to sleep, write down 3 things that you did well that day. For some of you that might be staying off your phone when you were with the kids, running a lively and successful meeting, going for a run, or making time for your team. Whatever feels important to you, write it down.
Three things, one week, and that’s it. The purpose of this exercise is to encourage your brain to start to see what you do well and adopt a positive mindset.