Have you thought about the dads?
“Becoming a father is the best thing that will ever happen to you”.
You’ll hear this a lot, when you tell the world you’re having, or have had a baby; it’s as if mini-you will glide into the world, land in your arms, and life will be complete. Cue child growing up, instagram reels of you and him / her / them out playing in the garden, running through the forest, building dens, reading stories. That sort of thing.
But what’s the reality of life as a new dad? Yes, it can be all of the above and more. But for some dad’s it’s not quite as sugar-coated.
In the aftermath, when you’re home and left to freestyle, things can very quickly become tough physically, emotionally, and mentally.
A common theme brought to coaching is that new dads feel redundant. They’ve gone from supportive partner, teammate, and the apple of their partner’s eye, to sitting on the backbench, looking on at the inimitable bond between baby and mum, not quite sure what their role profile is.
In those early days, weeks and months, it is typically mum who provides, protects and keeps baby alive, and this can leave dad feeling unsettled, without control, not needed. And to top it off, it’s likely everyone is sleep deprived, which can result in spiralling thoughts, irritability, and feeling depleted.
Statistically, men remain the main bread winner and are likely to go straight back to work after baby is born - aside from (in the majority of cases) a short-lived paternity leave. They’re thrown back into the norm, yet everything’s changed. They’re likely worried about mum and baby, exhausted, perhaps feeling a sense of guilt, yet they’re expected to jump back in, keep calm and carry on.
For some, the hardwired gender convention of men being providers sets in more than ever and we see many clients frantically throw themselves into their work because they feel that if they can provide for their family, then they will be fulfilling their ‘role’ and can maintain some sort of control over the situation.
As one client shared with me “if I can get promoted and make more money then I’ll be taking care of my family and that’s what my job is”. The concern with this mindset is that it doesn’t take into account how the person is actually feeling, or the impact of this sense of responsibility, or if they’re ok.
The problem with this is that it not only deprives dads from bonding time with their family, and a chance to adjust to such a significant change, but it also fuels gender inequality. With dad heading back to work after two weeks “off” with the new baby, the lion’s share of domestic and familial load falls onto mum, and when she returns to work, this remains something she continues to carry the weight of. And it doesn’t take a genius to work out the impact that has on her career trajectory. This is something advocate for equal parenting Elliot Rae is trying to re-write in his Parenting Out Loud Campaign, aiming to “encourage, enable and support dads to be active and equal parents.”, and give organisations guidance on how to best support them to do that.
We’ve also learnt that men at any stage of the parental journey rarely feel they have anywhere to take their feelings. For mums, there is welcomed support groups, NCT meet ups, health visitor check ins, and wine tasting with your baby events (genius). With women remaining the primary caregiver in a lot of cases, this sense of community carries on at the school gates, at kids clubs and so on. And there’s no denying the fact that women tend to be better and sharing what’s going on in their inner worlds.
In the workplace, organisations are offering maternity and ‘returners’ coaching to ensure their female talent is supported and championed when they become a working mum. Yet even with this provision and community, a lot of women understandably feel incredibly isolated.
What’s the equivalent for men? How are we checking in on dads before and long after their family grows? Other than colleagues asking “how’s the family? / how was your weekend” there’s often very little consideration of what’s going on for them - how they’re feeling, or what they’re struggling and needing help with.
Tom came to me last year, needing a sounding board and way forward after the birth of his little girl. He and his wife had spent the previous 5 years navigating the roller-coaster of IVF with several baby losses, consistent disappointment, and an empty savings pot.
He arrived to our first session overthemoon to be a dad and, simultaneously, absolutely broken.
It turned out Tom was in the midst of perinatal depression, which is thought to affect 1 in 10 men in the UK, yet remains largely unspoken about. This manifested in consistent low mood, a “head of busy thoughts that won’t stop”, and a man feeling lost in his sense of self. Tom had tried to keep going, remain positive and show up as a happy go lucky colleague and a thankful and devoted father and husband. But the reality was, he was depleted, bereft, and traumatised because he had at no point processed the turmoil and angst of the previous 5 years.
Dad-focused support in workplaces is still rare to find. And even if you are asking your male employees how they are, 1 in 3 working dads don’t feel comfortable talking to their employer about their family commitments. And it makes sense, if a man isn’t familiar and socially conditioned into sharing his feelings and day to day stressors, then why would he open up now? If as young boys, outdated gender conventions taught them that to be a man means to be strong, to provide, to have the solutions, to not feel, then it makes sense that opening up, saying they’re completely burntout, or the juggle feels overwhelming, or they’re mentally not doing so well, isn’t an option. There’s too much at stake.
Outside of work, dads may join in a meet up at the weekend and talk to other dads they don’t really know about nappy changes, sleep patterns, and if they watched the Euros, but any meaningful conversations confronting the stuff they’re finding challenging, are likely rare.
Many feel they can’t share how they’re doing with their partner as they don’t want to burden them, and that leaves them pushing their thoughts and feelings down, which results in any mental health red flags being wet wiped to one side. And that’s not ok.
Organisations need to open the narrative and start to talk about how men are doing when they become a father and, thereafter, when they have their own version of ‘the juggle’ we know working mothers have. To encourage equality for parents (at home and at work). To protect their wellbeing.
Organisations need to build a culture and standard protocol for mums and dads that supports their mental wellbeing and career development – not just once their little one arrives, but in their whole journey as a parent.
If you’re an employer and this resonates, here’s some things to consider:
What are you doing in terms of communication and practical resource to show your support for individuals, going through IVF / adoption / surrogacy / pregnancy?
What are you doing specifically for men?
What is your parental leave policy? Is it encouraging gender equity? What needs to change?
What’s the check in process in place for fathers returning from parental leave and thereafter to manage the pressures they face?
What networks have been established to bring parents together in your workplace?
If you’re an organisation keen to support your male employees, - their mental fitness, their wellbeing and their career development - please get in touch. We would love to chat: info@themidlifeman.co.uk
We offer workshops and 1:1 coaching for men:
navigating IVF, adoption and surrogacy
returning to work after having a baby
at any stage of their career while they juggle the demands of their role alongside having a family.
RESOURCES
Fathers Network Scotland: Provides support and information specifically for fathers.
National Childbirth Trust (NCT): Offers courses and resources for new parents, including fathers.
Mind: The mental health charity provides information and support for all aspects of mental health, including perinatal issues.
PANDAS Foundation: Offers support and advice for individuals experiencing perinatal mental health issues.