Icebergs and cassette players
As a coach I’m continually amazed that the simple practice of working with a client to become aware of how they think - and in turn how that thinking influences their behaviour, choices and how they feel – that simple process can play an enormous part in their success and fulfilment (whatever that looks like to them).
I’ve pondered on why this process of reflection is so profound for our clients - all male, all high achieving, all in their 40s and 50s – and the truth of the matter is, it’s mainly down to the fact that they’ve never done it before. Most of you weren’t taught it. Neither were your dads. If things felt wrong or challenging or hard, men were taught to push through, be strong, conceal those feelings and find a solution. To quote one client, “I was taught to bury that sh*t”.
Ah that limiting, rigid and unhelpful gender stereotype of the man. It has a lot to answer for.
So I thought it might help to give you a whistle stop tour of how the way we think influences what we do.
The Iceberg analogy
(nb below is inspired by Sigmund Freud’s Iceberg anaolgy of the mind, but very much my take on it.)
Here’s an iceberg. We know that (contrary to what this image is showing), only about 10% of an iceberg is visible. The remaining 90% lies deep beneath the surface, unseen.
Now think about this iceberg in the context of you. You ARE the iceberg (bear with me).
The ice above the surface signifies what the world can see about you. Maybe you have a nice house, 2.4 kids, maybe you have a high powered job. Maybe you present a consistently cheery disposition. Maybe you run marathons. Maybe you hate asparagus. That’s what we, outsiders see of you. To us you seem together, on top of everything, confident, winning.
Directly underneath the water edge, is what’s actually going on in your mind. We’ll call that the thinking zone. It features your likes, dislikes, habits, what you want, what inspires you, the dark stuff, the tricky feelings. This is the space where conscious and subconscious meet. I say that because unless we’re tuning into how we think, the majority of our thoughts and the way we speak to ourselves is similar to a playing a cassette on repeat. Eventually we don’t even hear or notice it, it’s background noise. Yet it’s quietly dictating our life.
Moving to the deep ocean where the Octonauts dare to venture and the spiny king crabs lurk, this is our deep subconcious where our beliefs and values sit. Our beliefs are the things we’ve learnt to be true about ourselves and the world in our formative years, and we’re rarely concious of them unless we proactively get to know them. Our caregivers - family, teachers, sports coaches - have a massive influence on our beliefs. We experience what they say and what they do and that becomes our perception of how the world is. You might have learnt when you were little that to do well at school meant you were a good boy therefore loved, and now you’re a high achieving workaholic. Maybe you saw your mum and dad having healthy open conversations and debates, and you’ve grown up really at ease with yourself and are a brilliant leader. Perhaps you were made to feel like a nuisance around the house and as a result, you have low self-esteem, depression and feel like there’s no hope. Maybe you learnt that you can be anything you want to be, and it’s propelled you forward in your career and personal life.
Your values, on the other hand, define what truly matters to you— Perhaps it’s about fun, adventure, faith, flexibility, freedom or Authenticity, financial security, autonomy, and inclusion might be what matter to you in a job. These guide your decisions, relationships, and career choices, often without you even realizing it.
When your actions align with your values, life feels right. But when they clash, discomfort sets in—a subtle (or not-so-subtle) signal from your gut, heart or head.
GAINING CONTROL
Why oh why am I talking of icebergs, crabs and asparagus? Because in regularly taking a moment and reflecting on why you feel and think the way you do, you give yourself control.
Say Peter’s not aware of the above (Peter’s our imaginary client). He’s had a stable upbringing with loving parents, yet at school, he was the butt of all jokes and had few friends. His coping mechanism – to be nice to everyone, to be liked, and to overachieve.
Fast forward to 2024: Peter is a senior leader at a tech firm. His team admires him, his colleagues respect him, and he’s undeniably successful. But beneath the surface, Peter feels inadequate. He overworks to prove his worth and struggles with exhaustion. He secretly dreams of starting his own start up, but fear of failure stops him actually doing it.
This slightly exaggerated example shows us that by not tuning into how we’re thinking, and not making time to figure out what’s important to us, can leave us feeling unfulfilled, maybe a bit stuck, maybe completely exhausted.
Takeaway
Tune into yourself.
Start small. Notice how you talk to yourself when you’re stressed, when you make a mistake, or when you’re chasing a goal. What’s playing on your internal cassette? Where might those thoughts be coming from?
Think about what’s important to you in your approach to work, your relationships, the way you live.
You might just be surprised by what you discover—and how it changes everything.
It really is as simple as that.